Aaaarrrgh!!! Those of us who live in northern Illinois really have to watch our step. Canadian geese must have gotten the word that they are a protected species, because they have infested our parks and golf courses in droves, and are leaving their “calling cards” in copious amounts, especially near the water holes. There is nowhere to walk without getting this stuff all over your shoes and cart wheels. Taking your kids to the park to roll around in the grass is out of the question. Playing the ball as it lies is sometimes a messy proposition, and gives a whole new meaning to having a crappy lie.

These geese seem to have no fear. They slowly strut around like they own the place. Golf balls that narrowly miss them by a few inches do not bother them. You can drive your car right next to one of these geese standing on the road, missing it by a few inches and they won’t even flinch. Don’t go near their young ones, or else they will hiss at you and then attack you.

One of my friends hit an errant shot that accidentally struck a goose in the neck. The goose was in obvious pain, so it started running across the fairway with wings outstretched toward the water, and the entire flock of about 200 geese immediately ran along with it, an amazing sight.

I have heard that geese are afraid of swans, so some places have put swans in their ponds, hoping that this would keep the geese away. However, I have seen several ponds with a swan in the middle, along with flocks of geese on the shores. I would rather have the geese in the ponds than on the shores leaving their calling cards. The swan, who is no dummy, probably figures the odds are not too good on starting a fight with that many geese.

Some courses have hired dogs trained to chase away the geese, with some success, but I have another solution. Send these geese to the middle east for purposes of aerial bombardment and biological warfare, where they can poop all over Al Qaida, who then can either beg for mercy or wise up and realize they can feed their poor and hungry people with these geese. (see www.geocities.com/golfwithjoey)